Now, I understand that not everybody knows about politically correct adoption terms and to be honest, I often feel we make "way too much" of simple words. Normally I blow off much of the emotion about adoption terminology. But I have to admit, this one really does get me.
As I pondered WHY this one gets to me, I realized that there are a number of reasons that my stomach turns in knots every time I hear it. The first reason is selfish. These are MY kids and I do not share well! Don't get me wrong, I realize my children had a family before me and I try to honor those connections. But again, MY kids - and I don't share. They are not my fake kids...they are just my kids, my REAL kids. They make a real mess in the kitchen, they roll their real eyes at me when I say "you are NOT wearing that school" and they throw up REAL vomit when they are sick for me to clean up...for real. They are real people needing real parenting. Therefore I am the real parent. Yes, I have been told on a number of occasions that I am a major "mama bear" and I know they are right. I am driven to be an advocate for my children. Trust me, they need that.
My second reason is in defense of my children. This term implies to my child that they don't really belong in my family. They have been abandoned, neglected and abused. I have promised them a home with love, commitment and safety, and yet, when somebody asks them this, everything I have tried to promise them comes into question. "If mom and dad aren't my real parents, can they give up on me too?" I mean after all, their "real parents" did not work out so why would this "less than real" family work out? We have had many open conversation with our kids about this term. And in the end, the best way I have found to handle it is with humor. I pinch myself, yell ouch, then declare that I am indeed real.
The third reason it bothers me, is because I have no good, gentle way of correcting the individual that says it. They generally are not trying to be hurtful, and in truth would be horrified to understand the emotions that the term evokes in me. These are good people trying to be loving and supportive. The LAST thing I want to do is make them feel uncomfortable.
There are a lot of terms that people find offensive in the adoption community. When we step back and look at all the groups involved, it becomes possible to see why. Any woman that finds herself in the position of relinquishing a child obviously wants to be thought of in a positive light. Any family that has adopted a child obviously wants to thought of in a positive light. And therein lies the problem. In a situation were there is loss, there has to be an acknowledgment of bad. For the relinquishing mom, there is the loss of her child. She may even secretly view the adoptive family as "abductors." Adoptive families have to accept that they will never have the "blood connection" with this child. The adoptive family my feel that the birth/natural/first mother no longer has rights and therefore who "owns" the term mother can become contentious. I think it is important to remember that "parenthood" of this child is not a competition between the two parties involved.
**note, this is a TRIANGLESo in today's blog I want to share an article from Adoptive Families Magazine which highlights "negative and positive" adoption language. However, I think it is important to note that "who" decides appropriate language is important here. I know for a fact that not everybody agrees with the "accepted list of terminology" and to be honest I have to agree - they don't all make sense. In fact, I think Denise Roessle says it best in her article regarding the term "birthparent/biological/natural/first parent" for Adoptive Families magazine. In the end, it is important to listen to the CHILD (yes mom's on both sides of the issue need to put down their guards) and use the language the allows the CHILD to feel loved and secure. In the end, that is what ALL parents want for their child, regardless of who is raising the kiddos...right? Lets make the world a better place by remembering the politically correct language is not about making everybody feel bad about getting it wrong, it is about accepting and honoring that the words we choose can hurt.
"Politically Correct Adoption Language"
Positive Language...............Negative Language..................................My preference
Birthparent................................Real parent.............................1st parent, birth parent ***
Biological parent.......................Natural parent..........................1st parent, birth parent ***
Birth child..................................Own child.....................................child. I don't differentiate.
My child.....................................Adopted child; Own child...................again, my child
Born to unmarried parents......Illegitimate..........................honestly this one doesn't come up. "unwed" maybe?
Terminate parental rights........Give up..................................TPR or terminate parental rights
Make an adoption plan.............Give away.....................................relinquish
To parent....................................To keep............................................to parent
Waiting child ..................Adoptable child; available child....honestly, these are all bad to me. no child should
have to wait for a family.
Biological or birthfather...........Real father................1st father, birth father, biological father
Making contact with.................Reunion......I don't see what is wrong with reunite. I think both terms are fine.
Parent........................................Adoptive parent......I AM an adoptive parent and I don't mind being described
as one, however, to ME I am just a parent.
Intercountry adoption..............Foreign adoption..........REALLY? International/Foreign adoption is fine.
Adoption triad...........................Adoption triangle.........Triad is 3 sided...therefore it is a triangle. who cares?
Permission to sign a release.....Disclosure ...................I don't understand why this one is an issue.
Search...................................Track down parents.....We have always used search...but isn't that tracking down?
Child placed for adoption.......An unwanted child.....I agree, because UNWANTED is not accurate. I WANT them.
Court termination......................Child taken away....Don't see the difference. My children WERE taken away from their 1st family.
We can't gloss over the truth.
Child with special needs............Handicapped child....I hate labels. We all have special needs.
Child from abroad......................Foreign child....never been an issue in our house. Again we talk of international
adoption, but once they are adopted in THIS country they are
citizens so this seems irrelevant to me.
Was adopted...............................Is adopted...this one I get. "Is" is present tense. "Was" is past tense. I don't
adopt my child everyday and since our family is truly "forever" my
children WERE adopted at one time and won't be adopted again.
They are just mine...and I dare anybody to imply otherwise.
Again, MY kids...and I don't share well.
***Birth parent is fine, birth father is fine, birth mother is fine...just PLEASE do not shorten birth mother to BM. It is just plain rude to refer to my child's life giver as a bowel movement. Thank you, I will now step off my soap box.
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