Future Blogs...

I truly want to make this a blog that other adoptive families can connect with for understanding, perspective and maybe even some ideas on how to manage and work with behaviors from their adoptive children.  Please feel free to comment and make suggestions for future blogs!

I currently have a request for more information on working with ICPC for out of state adoptions.  From looking at my stats, it appears that a few people have stumbled on my blog while researching "disrupt adoption."  Please let me know how I can make my blog helpful to you!

2 easy ways you can help more children get adopted | Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption

2 easy ways you can help more children get adopted | Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption

This is going to take some getting used to.

I should just start every blog with ... "This morning the phone rang..."

In my last blog I announced that we had been asked to consider adopting K8 & K9's little sister...as if I needed to consider it...as if I could say no.  We have literally just been waiting for the phone call that we knew in our hearts was inevitable.  And when that call came...I had accidentally left my iPhone at home.  So I had a missed call at 4 pm last night and a voice mail saying "I wanted to talk to you about the baby sister...call me."  Of course, I didn't get home until 6 pm so there was no way I was going to catch the social worker at work anymore!  I called anyway and left a message promising I would glue my phone to my hand so I could take her call at any time today.  Robert and the kids are constantly harassing me about losing my phone.  Maybe they are right and I should be better at keeping track of it...  But in my defense, I really do TRY, but I am kind of busy.

This morning the phone rang at 8:16 am.  I glanced at the incoming number and my heart skipped a beat.  There was no doubt in my mind who it was or what she would say.  And yet, her simple question, "How do you feel about being a mom of 10 kids?" dropped me to my knees and reduced me to tears.

How do I feel?  Sad, happy, angry, overwhelmed and excited.  All at the same time.  I am sad that K10 is losing another family.  I am happy that she is regaining her biological siblings.  I am angry that life is such that her previous placement couldn't make it work.  I am overwhelmed as I look around my house at the chaos of laundry, dishes and toys that have piled around me in the past 3 weeks... threatening to consume us.  But mostly I am excited.  Never will my house be empty of the sound of children's laughter, I swear it gives me energy.  Ha!  Disney's Monsters Inc suddenly comes to mind.  Life is just better when you can share it with the joys and wonder of exploring the world though the eyes of a child.

Ok...that last picture is SO ME!  I am the little old lady living in a shoe with WAY more kids than I know what to do with.  This wasn't the life I planned for myself, but it is the life I am happy to live.  Wow.  10 kids.  This is going to take some getting used to.

Speechless...

I don't even know where to start.  I have been an advocate for children in foster care for years.  I have been frustrated with what doesn't work in the foster care system and saddened by the impact of those short comings to the children that we are supposed to be protecting.  In an earlier post, The Importance of Connections, I discussed the difficult decisions that social services has to make when it comes to separating siblings.  There are no easy answers.  Truly, siblings are separated because social services has no choice.  Trust me, no social worker WANTS to separate kids but it happens all the time.

This country is in a crisis with these kids in state care and most people are not aware or believe that it doesn't pertain to them.  I know if feels like I am beating you with this information but I know there are a many of you that read my blog and yet I know that I have not yet made a difference in the number of people stepping forward to love these children.  I know not everybody is cut out to take on some of these kids but for 12 years I have tried to help recruit families and somedays I wonder if I am making a difference at all.

Again, I don't even know where to start...

I need to stop answering the phone.  Lets start there.  Two weeks ago I got a phone call and was asked to take a 3 year old boy.  We had just accepted K8 & K9 as a placement and with 7 kids in the home and 2 married and out of the home, we felt right in saying "no."  As always, it is hard to know that I just turned away an amazing child that has the ability to do great things in this world if SOMEBODY would just show unconditional love, commitment and stability.

I hope somebody is looking for him...waiting to love him, smother him with kisses, and wipe his tears.  I hope there is somebody that wants to hold him when he is scared and help him with his homework.  I hope that he isn't just another kid that gets bounced through the system only to age out at 18 and end up as one of the homeless statistics or worse...one more criminal in jail.  Harsh words I know.  I imagine that you are thinking "come on!  He is 3!  Somebody will adopt him.  He won't be one of the ones bounced around."

Ya right.  Remember, K5 was 4 when she was taken into care.  We did not find her until she was 11.  And yes, she went through several homes first.  She is an amazing young woman and I missed out on the first 11 years of her life.  Those were spent with somebody else.  Somebody that couldn't provide stability and permanency.

Yesterday, the phone rang again.  I am still in shock.  Speechless really.  From the moment we heard about K8 & K9, we were told that they had a sibling that had been separated from them.  That sibling was placed immediately into an adoptive placement.  There were very good reasons for this to happen and all the kids have made tremendous progress during the time they were in care.  But as happens all too often in the system, something changed.  Something so big that now that sibling is in need of a new home.  Seriously.  I have GOT to stop answering the phone.  "So, I know it is a wild and crazy idea and you don't have to give an answer right now...but I wanted to ask you something so that you could think about it over the weekend.  Is there any chance you would be interested in reuniting the siblings and adopting all three or at the very least provide temporary care to this adorable 2 year old while we find another family?" asked the social worker.

Seriously?  How can I ever justify saying no?  How can I look K8 & K9 in the eyes and say "we had a chance to adopt your sister too but we said no."  We are an enormous family by today's standards.  We stick out in a crowd and are starting to look "old" for raising children in this age group.  People talk about us behind our backs and yet we are selected as the best option for this young toddler and my 2 youngest children.  Social services knows when they have a family that will do what it takes to make it work.  They know that this child now will have a failed adoption attached to her file and that will play into the minds of future prospective placements.  People will wonder if it is the child's fault and if she is somehow defective.  The child is TWO for crying out loud!  How can this be a 2 year olds fault?  Still think there is no crisis here in the US foster care system?

There is a lot that will have to happen before I will know for sure if social services will reunite the children in our home.  Safety comes first as always...as it should.  But I already love this child and will fight for her.  She deserves it.

Just a mom...

With the addition of K8 and K9, our family certainly sticks out in a crowd.  Well, I guess we always did, but apparently now with bi-racial children it is even more obvious.  Obvious enough that I now notice people looking at us at the mall for instance.  Robert says that people have looked at us for years, but I never noticed, but I am forced to notice now - more on that in a moment.

My newest munchkins have been with us for a few weeks now.  They are settling in well.  In other words, there is a lots of screaming and tantruming as they learn our family routines and rules, there have been many time "ins" and a few time "outs."  (Time ins when their behavior is clearly based on their fears of loss, time outs when I am witnessing normal preschooler behavior around learning basic social skills.)

There is the chaos of weekly therapy appointments to squeeze into our already tight schedule.  School enrollment and the various testing that occurs with children such as mine to ensure that they can be successful in the classroom is taking up most of my days.  Then there are the requirements of social services that the children must be seen by the pediatrician and dentist within 2 weeks of the placement.  Well, fortunately the fine print really says the appointments have to be scheduled within 2 weeks, the actual appointment can be scheduled a little further out.  Then there is the meal planning for a large family.  Digging out the crock pot has helped, but we are definitely not eating healthy right now as we try to figure out what is going to work for us.  Then we have the monthly social worker visits and guardian ad litem visits to plan around.  Yes it is a lot to organize and not let my other children fall through the cracks and miss out on their important activities as well.  But, we are managing and this kind of chaos seems to be something that I even thrive in.  I jump in with both feet and write all over my calendar and enter info into my iPhone.  I would drown without these basic household management tools.  But, please know that I am not complaining.  Nope...I am just a mom and all of us moms struggle with these issues.

Speaking of just being a mom, I know I am not alone in hating the dreaded "they are so lucky" comments adoptive parents are forced to hear.  I know it is always well intentioned...but really?  My children were lucky?  They were lucky to have been removed from their birth families?  They were lucky to spend time in foster care?  I am the lucky one.  I was given a chance to love them.  Of course, the lucky comment is followed by the "you are a saint" comment which again, might be well intentioned, but drives me up a wall.  I am no saint I can promise you that.  Feel free to ask any of my kids if they feel "lucky" to live with "Saint" Mom.  I don't expect them to feel grateful or lucky.  I expect them to be angry, feel hurt, scared and abandoned.  I anticipate years of them not trusting me, and hating me when I stand firm on house rules.  I don't tolerate my kids in a "saintly" way, I love them as a mom because they are my children.  

My children.  I like the sound of that.  So much so that it cuts me to the core when other people question my role as mom.  As I stated earlier, we seem to stick out in a crowd.  Ever since k4 joined our family, I would be asked "are they all yours?" to which I would smile and say yes.  With the addition of K8 and K9 now, that has changed.  I have always struggled to understand racism, but for the first time in my life, I FELT it.  It was subtle and I am trying to not make too big of a deal of it because I seriously doubt that the person was even aware that her comment put me in a defensive position about my children's race!  But there it was.  We were playing in the park, my caucasian, hispanic, korean and bi-racial children.  It was a beautiful day full of the children's laughter and smiling faces.  As I walked across the playground to check in with the youngest kiddos, another mom looked at me as said "are you a foster parent?"  Again, not necessarily a racist comment, but let me explain.  In 12 years of adopting children of various ethnicities, I have NEVER been asked that question.  People have always assumed I adopted them (or had many men in my life...) but the children were clearly identified as MY children. This was the FIRST time I had been asked about foster care.  I didn't think much about it at the time and simply answered, "no these are my kids."  But it gnawed at me for hours.  Later I finally talked to Robert about it.  I pointed out that at the time, I was surprised but as I thought about it, I was offended at the question!  Not that there is something wrong with being a foster parent, in fact I admire the people that can give their hearts in that way.  No, I was offended that it is only when I have bi-racial children that I would be asked such a question.  Is it because they are black that the assumption is foster care?  Are my beautiful bi-racial children not worthy of adoption in the eyes of this woman?  I will never know for sure what exactly went through her mind.  But it makes me sad to know, that to some people, my children and I will have to defend our right to be a family.  And defend I will, because I am just a mom.  Their mom.

How DOES she do it?

I can't tell you how many times I am told "I don't know how you do it!  I only have 1 (or 2 or 3) and I can't ever seem to..."  So with 2 new kids entering our family, it seems like now is an excellent time to convey just HOW I do this.  The secret is pretty simple actually.  My house is messy and I wouldn't want it any other way.  We don't always eat the healthiest food because somedays are filled with too much crying, tantruming, homework, after school activities or illness to take the time to cook for this many people.  In other words, sometimes I just have to let it go.  But perhaps the real secret to how I do it is family and friends.

I do not do this alone.  I have a couple of gals that I hired that come in 2x a month to help power scrub the bathrooms and the kitchen - I am not ashamed to say I love them.  My husband sometimes cooks, my kids load and unload the dishwasher (only after being told) and some of them even wash their own laundry.  When we were surprised with a weekend visit with soon to be K8&9, K6 showed up and cooked meals and cleaned the kitchen so that I could focus on the kids.  I couldn't have done it without her.  K4 showed up and helped soothe K8 when she was scared and couldn't fall asleep for her nap.  K2, K3 and K5 jumped in and rotated 30 min turns to help supervise so K8&K9 had 100% supervision while I tried to do laundry and other household chores.  K1 took K8&9 outside to play ball and wear them out on the trampoline.  They spent over an hour rough housing in the yard.  My parents stopped by for a brief visit with their newest grandchildren.  The same grandparents that once a year come to stay with my motley crew and let my husband and I get a weekend getaway.  As parents we sometimes forget to be a couple.  I am bless with parents that remind us of the importance of reconnecting.

Then there are my friends.  The ones that remind me that "mom" time is important and make sure I do a nearly weekly girls night out.  Sometimes we just sit and talk and sometimes we watch our favorite shows.  Always we support each other and brainstorm.  Everybody needs friends like these and I really hit the jackpot with my friends.  Last May as I was sitting at K2 & K5's middle school graduation, my iPhone (couldn't survive without this wonderful organizational tool) reminded me that I had a dr appointment in 1 hour.  Who knew middle school graduation would be longer than 2 hours!?!  Anyway, a quick text to my best friend, and she was calling the dr's office for me to cancel so I didn't have to leave the ceremony to make a phone call.  This is the same friend that showed up to jump start my car in the rain one morning to help me get my kids to school on time.  Then there is my husband's best friend and wife (honorary Aunt and Uncle to my kids.)  When things took a sudden scary turn with K5's adoption, they were there for us.  They held our hands while we cried and rejoiced with us when K5 was finally home safe in our arms.  When K7 appeared on the scene, another friend started passing on her son's clothing, high end brand name stuff!  I haven't bought a single outfit for K7 since he moved in!!!  When my son had foot surgery and his wisdom teeth pulled, and my daughter had throat surgery and my MOTHER was having shoulder surgery all in the same week, my friends showed up with meals.

No, I don't do it alone.  It is because of my family and friends that I can continue to reach out and love these children.  I can't say it enough, but once again, thank you my dear family and friends.  From the bottom of my heart I appreciate your compassion, your time and your love.  You mean the world to me.

Destination...unknown.

We delude ourselves.  We think we can carefully plan and control our lives.  We think we know what is good for us.  We believe that life is our play ground and we can do what we want.  I guess from certain perspectives this is sort of true, but sometimes we have to accept that things just happen because one happens to be in a certain place at a certain time.  And if we accept THAT, then we have to accept that maybe we control our life's direction....but not it's destination.

Robert did his annual volunteering with the Adoption Exchange on Wednesday.  Children currently in foster care waiting for an adoptive family are invited to this event to relax and have fun.  Many activities are set up for the children to engage in and many volunteers are there to help supervise the kids.  Volunteers also help introduce prospective adoptive parents to social workers and foster families praying that some connections are made and more adoptive parents will find a child to love unconditionally.  Every year Robert comes home and talks about the amazing kids he was blessed to spend time with.  I smile and love him all the more for his big heart....then I raise my eyebrows and say "no.  You can't adopt them all" and he smiles sadly and says "I know" and then we are usually interrupted with one of the many children currently in our home.  This year was different though.  Robert returned home but was more subdued then usual.  I asked how it went and he chuckled and said he didn't play football with the teenage boys this year (the ONLY day a year he DOES play football) but instead was given the privilege of managing duck food by the pond.  This year he was mobbed by youngsters excited at the prospect of feeding the ducks!  There was one little girl that could actually quack in a way that sounded like a duck.  He told the story and was clearly taken in by this little girl.  He was convinced that given the number of people following this adorable 4 year old around that she was going to find her forever family sooner rather than later.  It wasn't until much later that he started talking that I started to understand his strange mood.  He spoke of watching the prospective parents follow the younger kids around.  Being the analytical person he is, he started watching for people to take interest in the older kids.  Apparently not playing football leaves him with more time to observe people's actions...at least during the occasional calm between duck feeding mobbings!  What he saw saddened him. Several older kids wandered about sampling the various activities, their social workers giving these teenagers some space. The volunteers would interact and help them, but the prospective parents would only smile and pass them by. In particular, a girl of about 16 was just sitting watching her 10 year old sister play in the creek.  Robert sat and chatted with the worker and the teenager, while all of them joked about the strong possibility of the younger girl falling into the creek.  All of the prospective parents missed the careful patience of the younger girl first just feeding each duck a single pellet to make them last, and then her utter joy at being shown how to feed them a whole handful so that their nuzzling bills tickled the palm of her hand. They also missed how her older sister was content and happy for nearly an hour just to watch her play. Robert was devastated by the observation that these charming, beautiful girls had no one interested, and that they almost certainly recognized that no one was interested.  What usually happens to similar sibling sets is that they are split up to give the younger sibling a chance of making a match. But, at age 10, the younger girl may still be left bouncing from home to home until she ages out with no one to count on forever.

So I did what I always did.  I said "we can't adopt them all" and he said "I know"...but then none of our kids interrupted us like they usually do.  So I said, "did you get the social worker's name?"  And he said yes.  Turns out these kids are in the same county as the other kids we are wanting to adopt.  Ya...don't forget we have another sibling set that we are currently waiting to hear back on.  The 3 & 4 year old I wrote about in my last blog.  Oh how their smiles haunt my dreams.  It has been 4 months since we set out to adopt them.  Yes we were asked to meet them 3 weeks ago, but it seems that still no decision has been made and we have lost hope that we will be their forever family so I tell my husband, "fine.  Let's talk with the social worker and see if we might be a match for these girls"...both of them.  Because each other is all they have right now and they should have the chance to stay together.

So that brings my story to Friday, Aug 4.  As I packed my suitcase minutes before leaving for the airport for a weekend of R&R while my parents turn my home into some sort of super secret grandparents playground (which apparently involves lots of laughter, silliness, video gaming, shopping and trips to iHop) I got a phone call.  I glanced at the phone and immediately recognized the caller.  A social worker.  The social worker.  And in my heart I know what is going to happen if I answer that phone.  I actually hesitate because I know my husband will be walking in the door in the next 5 min and I so desperately want him there when I answer this call...but I can't ignore it.  This worker has had too many unanswered phone calls to other families, too many unreturned messages.  Besides, it has been 4 months since we first made contact with her.  I can't leave her hanging so I reluctantly answer the phone but I know what she is going to say.  Somehow, the words still shock me, somehow I went on automatic and made plans, agreed to meetings, asked questions and now, suddenly, we are the parents of 9 children.  God has blessed me once again and entrusted me with a precious gift to love and cherish while helping guide them through their healing process.  I only pray that the choices I make will serve to teach my new children that they are loved unconditionally and that I will protect them so they no longer have to feel afraid.  12 years ago, Robert and I set a course in our lives that would include loving children we had not given birth to.  K3 was our first adoptee and gave us our direction...to this day, I wonder where my final destination will be.

Robert and I are extremely excited and proud to announce that we are the proud new parents of a beautiful 4 year old girl (K8) and her 3 year old brother (K9) and rest assured, we won't forget the girls at the creek...